My Father’s Passing, His Story & What I Have Learned About Life In His Absence

By: Colin Emerich

OCTOBER 9TH, 2023

My Father’s Passing

Loss. It’s a life altering event in any person’s life. To lose someone close to you. Adjusting to life without them. Not being able to see their smile or pick up the phone for advice or a laugh.

First true loss in one’s life. That’s something differently entirely. The first time being around death, watching their last breaths, seeing someone you love so dearly lie lifeless. It’s a feeling like no other. Eerie. Hopeless. Despair. Hurt. Bargaining with God for just one more day, one more moment, one more memory. The first time being around loss is a transformative moment in one’s life. One that changes the arc of the life yet to live.

For me, the first true loss I have had in my life was a little over 1 year ago today.

September 18th, 2022.

On that day, I lost my father, Andrew Stuart Emerich, early in the morning hours. Born April 12th, 1965, he lived 57 years on this Earth. But to all of us surrounding him it wasn’t enough time. That is the thing about time though, it never is enough time.

My father dealt with an array of unfortunate health issues that accumulated over the years. He broke his leg when I was about 10 years old, which ended up leading to a blood clot. Unfortunately, he suffered multiple additional blood clots in the years to come. During one of them, around the time I was 12, if it were not for my mother giving him oxygen on the front steps long enough for the emergency personnel to arrive, we might have lost him right there due to the clot that had spread to his lungs. Talk about shaping a life, almost seeing your dad pass and not truly grasping the totality of the situation. The fact it could have been the last moments is scary to think back on.

Health issues continued as my dad was unable to feel his feet due to neuropathy in his extremities. Unknown to him, he was working every day, thousands of steps on multiple broken bones in his feet and he could not feel them. With this came the development of Charcot’s foot, my dad’s foot was deformed in a way I had never seen in a person. His foot and infections due to this issue caused my father to not be able to get around very well, and was something most likely he was always going to have to deal with as the original shape of the foot would never fully return. My dad managed though and after years of struggles was really starting to find his way even with this limitation through the help of a custom boot. But life is full of ups and downs, and just as my dad hit his up, he had a massive Basal Ganglia Stroke briefly after Labor Day in 2021, culminating in loss of movement in the whole left side of his body. The next year unknown to many of you but known to some was a struggle, trying to be there the best I could to help with recovery and support while balancing graduate school and full time work and my last season of competitive hockey at the University of Delaware. It was a struggle for all of us, my sister, my aunts trying to be there for him, as life does not stop for anyone. He was helped and given great care by the team at Encompass Health in Middletown during his initial recovery.

But unfortunately due to the severity of the stroke, my father never gained full mobility in the left side of his body again. My father took this very hard, as it meant all the things he had wished to do with Jul and I, and some things we may not have been able to do during our childhood with him were no longer an option. As a man that was always active, coming to grips with being stuck in a chair was not easy mentally. My father had dealt with some stretches of depression in the past. With his physical body already failing him in ways, I can only imagine what the mental hurdles of endless days sitting in the chair with your thoughts must entail.

Health problems continued, and one led to another and we found ourselves in the hospital with him again. After a month or two of decline, he was given only a few weeks to live. With that in mind we wanted to give him as much comfort and care as we could. 

Luckily, my sister Julia and I are blessed with an extraordinary Aunt Amy and Uncle Tim that took my father into their home, all the while taking care of my grandmother at the same time. Talk about special people. He was expected to have 2 weeks left tops when he left the hospital, at least that’s what the doctors said. But they didn’t know how strong and stubborn my Pops was. 

Over 4 weeks later, there was dad still fighting. Still holding on. That is who he was, life would knock him down but he would get back up, he kept the fight. He was a fighter.

I’ve been through some painful experiences and moments in my life, both caused by my own actions and endured by others, many of which I’m still working through in different avenues, but these 4 to 6 weeks were the most difficult stretch of my life.

To watch my father, a burly 6’4 giant of a man be relegated to a bed, to watch his wide frame shrink down. To watch your own dad deteriorate to the point where’s he’s unable to take care of himself, unable to change on his own, unable to muster the strength to eat without the fear of him choking. To see someone who was so witty with one liners be disoriented and not able to think straight. To hear my dad with every bit of power in him ask for a sandwich to eat on one of his final days, and not being able to give him one because he had not been strong enough for solid foods for an extended period of time at that point. To tell you I cried that day would be an understatement. How do you explain to your own father, that there was nothing I could do for him. That as his son, who he had taken care of and raised, that I could not return the favor in this instance. These little aspects of life like eating that we take so for granted. It was devastating.

Not many people know what that’s like, to watch that progression day to day. To communicate through a white board because the body isn’t strong enough to speak anymore. To have someone you love not recognize you for stretches of time because their mind is failing them. To see the fear in his eyes in moments, trapped in a failing body, scared to live how he was, but scared to leave us. It’s what life was for my aunts, my uncle, my gram, my sister, my cousins and I for those weeks.

I am grateful I have a job that allowed me to telework. To be able to be across from him each and every day is something I will always cherish. Able to keep any eye on him. But it meant I had a front row seat to the downward trajectory of life left mere feet away.

Luckily my father was surrounded by love, and my cousin Amanda’s young baby Avery, his niece’s daughter was there to connect the excitement of a young life and the pain of death.

My aunt watched Avery during the day and would bring her over to my dad’s bed and even on his worst days, my dad always somehow found some new energy within to smile to her, stick out his tongue, or make a funny face. Though in those final days, he struggled most of the time, sleeping a lot, in those moments with her I know he was at peace. He would grab her little foot playfully and tell her she’s going to be a lacrosse player one day, we’ll see soon enough if he was right.

Even now, a year later, I can picture it as if it’s in real time. That was a powerful thing to watch, the vibrant eyes and curiosity of a baby mixed with the somber and seasoned look in my father’s eyes after all he had endured. The cycle of life, the reminder that we do not have much time here. A special moment. A memory that does not fade. It was very much the torch of life being passed to the next generation.

Towards the end, any day could be the day the nurse told us. For a week we went to bed not knowing if this was the last day spent with him. We spent many of those days up as late as we could physically last and up as early as we possibly could manage. Nights spent sleeping by his bed or holding his hand. Listening for his every movement.

The day of the 16th, my Gram climbed the steps, which was an unbelievable task for her with her limited motion. She didn’t do stairs anymore. But she did so that night just to spend time with her son. She exuded positive thoughts and talked my dad’s ear off out of love for hours. The next day, the night of September 17th, my Aunt Amy, Aunt Jenny, Julia and I stayed by his side through the night into the morning of the 18th. We told stories about dad from childhood throughout his life, shared laughs and memories. He was right there and while he couldn’t express it as he was weak and sleeping a majority of the time, his spirit filled the room that night. Looking back I feel like the laughter in the room put him at ease, to help him know all of us loved him, allowed him to let go of his fight. We finally went to bed around 3 or 4 AM that morning of the 18th. My aunts stayed down there on the couches and slept by his side. Fast forward a few hours, to 8 AM, I woke up to my Aunt Amy and Jul coming in the room, it could not mean anything good. It surely wasn’t. Unfortunately in those brief hours of the early morning, my father had passed, he was gone.

I had so many emotions, that it felt like I had none at all. I ran down the stairs to see my dad, but it didn’t feel real. I held his hand as tight as I could and he didn’t squeeze it back as he always had. I kissed his head, and told him everything would be all right, that he can be at peace above, and that Jul and I would be ok, that we would make him proud and that he had done everything he could for us.

I couldn’t cry at first, it was like the shock in my body wouldn’t allow me too. All my extended family started to trickle in and with each new person it seemed the tears from everyone started again. Memories, moments, love shared in the room. A big part of everyone’s lives at different stages was gone. But I still couldn’t cry, it is not that I was not sad or emotional. Instead I felt it so deeply at times I felt numb, part of me inside felt like I had to be strong for myself and for others.

I called only one person that morning, the person that was my rock throughout those tough months, to tell them dad was gone. They were the only person I could really find the strength to cry to, the most special person in my life, truly my best friend. I let all the weeks of bottled up emotions out. Without her, I don’t know if I would have made it through that time to be honest, and surely not nearly as strong as I tried to be. I am thankful God had placed her in my life and that is moments of love that will never truly leave me. I am thankful God allowed her to meet my father.

After that call, I tried to be in the present, to put the phone away the rest of the day and take in those final moments with dad for what they were. Timeless. I went outside, sat on the back porch and sat with the nature God has created all around us.

The trees, the birds, the clouds. I sat down there on the steps that morning and the sun was hitting me, barely bending around the tree. Something about the warmth and the way the lighting hit told me that it was dad shining his light down. That he was no longer in pain. I could feel his presence.

I went back in and helped the nurse clean him up and change his clothes for the funeral company. Then my cousin Matt and I just sat there by his side for a long stretch in the meantime, I didn’t want to leave his side. I was his only son. That was my dad, when I was little he was my hero, who I looked up to, who I learned sports from, who showed me music, who I learned the harsh realities of life from.

I played with his hair and held his cold hand. He was so cold. Someone with life and love just hours before now was gone. Lifeless, a cruel trick this temporary home plays on us. I just sat there and told him all the things I was going to do in his honor. How my kids one day would know about him and the impact he had on me. Knowing God had his hand now.

The most gut-wrenching part of that day though came when the funeral service came to get my dad. We all said our tear-filled goodbyes to my father. Then my lovely Gram heartbroken dealing with losing her first child, her only son, let out a cry. More so like a screech throughout the entire home, a sound of pain and agony I don’t believe anyone in the house that day had ever heard before in their life, a sound I don’t believe anyone will forget. My Gram kissed him, cried over him and told us to say goodbyes again with her out there this time. I believe the second round of goodbyes served as a way for her to have her little boy just a little bit longer before they took him.

That sound that day sent a shiver down my spine and caused tears from just about everyone in the house. I was in the opposite end of the house, in the back room by myself, trying to control my emotions. But when that sound lit up every room in the home, tears could not be stopped. It is a sound that can only be found in the deepest moments of anguish. My Gram was the strongest woman I have ever known, she battled cancer for months that spread and metastasized to her brain without us even knowing. She held on long enough to be there strong for her son until he passed, then a month later she also passed after she fought as long as she could. This moment rightfully broke her. No parents should have to see their baby pass. 

The rest of the day was spent as one big family together, with the baby Avery the best distraction we could possibly ask for during the dimmest of days. It brought peace that even in his final moments, even death, my father was surrounded by love, laughter and care. My dad’s family has always been close but I think it would make Pops happy that the loss of him brought us as a family closer than I had ever felt before. 

A kind gift sent to my Gram on behalf of the passing of my Pops.

Pop’s last words to me were “I love you, go finish school” and he pulled me in to kiss my head, so it meant a lot to me that he was there in spirit on the special day of graduation.

His STORY

My father grew up in Heritage Park, right in Pike Creek. He had two younger sisters, Amy and Jennifer. Spoiled by his mom, Rae Emerich (my late Gram), and taught every sport under the sun by his father, Richard Emerich (my late Pop Pop Emerich), a late draft pick of the Lombardi Green Bay Packers many years ago. Described by both family through story and expressed by many friends to my sister and I at his funeral. Dad was the oldest in the neighborhood group and was like the big brother to many of the guys and girls. Protective of everyone, laid back, and kind. He looked out for others, and helped everyone in the neighborhood when they needed it. One friend expressed how my dad had taken him to his first two concerts of his life back to back nights. Another friend expressed how dad had driven both siblings to their weddings. A few nights driving late to help a sister who locked herself out of her car without any scolding. While he was described as shy in many ways, he was someone everyone looked up to. While he excelled, he was humble. Someone that would drop everything for the people he loved and cared about. Quiet but a leader. 

He excelled at sports, growing up playing football, basketball, and baseball. In high school one of his sports was basketball, he told me stories of his blocks and the tick tack fouls they used to call on him. But his pride and joy was baseball. He pitched for St. Marks and was darn good. He went on to go down to a school in North Carolina before realizing he would have to sit out a year due to transfer rules, since he technically started classes in the SEED program here in Delaware. He came back up and played ball at Cecil College in Maryland, where he not only pitched but got to do something he wasn’t able to at St. Marks. He got to hit, and boy was he a natural. He always joked how at St. Marks the football guys always got to DH, and he never got the chance to hit since he pitched. It might have been a mistake to not let him do so, as he set the hitting streak record, along with the home run records for single season and career home runs (17 in a season and 28 in a 2 year career) at Cecil College which lasted for 20+ years. After Cecil, my dad went on to play several years of semi-pro baseball for the Cecil Braves and Canada Dry and led the league in home runs one season with 7. This was back in a time where there were no fences, and as my dad would say “you had to earn your home runs”, each home run essentially having to be of the inside the park variety. Many of his teammates expressed the fun times my dad and them had on road trips in college and semi-pro and just how extraordinary a ball player my Pops was. The last time I hit with him, a number of years before he passed, he could still swing it. We went to hit at the highschool field at his old stomping grounds of St. Marks. I remember he was so frustrated because he just couldn’t get that extra push over the fence. But my friend Trevor and I stood there amazed. While in his early 50’s and with a bad leg at the time, he must have hit 10 plus balls off the fence that day. Even through all the health problems, he still had it.

Adulthood came, he began to play hockey and that became my dad’s favorite sport, both to watch and play. Hockey quickly became his passion and while he never played travel hockey, he picked it up just as naturally as all the other sports he ever played.

My father then started at FedEx and was there for as long as he worked, approximately 30 years. He married my mom, Michelle, and they had Jul and I, and after losing his own father at a young age, Jul and I were his greatest joys in life. When we were younger, Jul and I would see his big truck pull up out front when he came home for lunch break, and be so excited. He taught Jul and I how to play every sport there was, just as his father had shown him. He would come home from work after a long day of 100 plus packages delivered and throw the football, play base runners, shoot hoops, teach us how to ride a bike, how to throw his famous forkball or rip pucks with us. I cherish those moments deeply and am blessed to be able to know how to play everything because of him. Inside the house, he was quiet and didn’t express his emotions much. He was beyond loving and caring. But I think it was a generation thing, where his father hadn’t and therefore he didn’t really know how to express or communicate that verbally a lot of the times. It has taken me a long time to break that cycle myself. But when he did express his emotions, it meant a lot. I look at all the birthday cards he gave me from time to time and even with trying to read his chicken scratch handwriting, it brings me joy to think of him saying those words out loud.

My dad was Jul and I’s biggest fan. At every game, every event. Whether coaching or in his famous corner along the glass. He coached both of us but never us directly, if I played offense, he coached defense. If I played defense, he coached offense. My sister was a goalie; so he usually coached defense to help keep pucks out of her net. Ultimately, he wanted to be around us, involved, to show us the ropes, but allow us to grow our own games. Our own personalities and ideas. He wanted the best for us but also was fair and didn’t want to be a hands on coaching dad when it came to us directly. Encouraging us in school, in sports, in life to not only excel but he often told us he wanted us to be better than him. Something I have taken with me, and I hope to encourage my own kids one day.

Being a dad is what I believe he felt was his calling, what he was put on Earth to do. What would make his life a success. To give us a life and future that surpassed his own. In saying that, him along with my mother, did give us a life and childhood that allowed Jul and I to excel and do exactly that. Jul and I both went through grade school with A’s and both made it through highschool with above a 4.0 GPA, my sister graduating college undergraduate a semester early and me graduating graduate school with my MBA while working full time. My sister with the capabilities to play a lot of places if she had wished to continue playing hockey and me having the opportunity to play hockey at the University of Delaware. My sister set to be a nurse soon enough and me working as a financial analyst as a civilian for the Navy.

By no means are we perfect, we have our our flaws and weaknesses, as anyone but I know because of him we have attributes such as hearts that are understanding of others and their life stories, we are both forgiving, have minds that constantly want to expand and grow, and souls that deep down just want the best for the people around us. A lot of those things, such as having such an open and understanding nature come from his stories of the struggles of life of himself and others that he told, aspects that may not be seen.

He always spoke of how proud of us he was and how he was blessed with us 2 as his children and I pray with the accomplishments and life ahead, Siswa and I can continue making him proud. In reality though, we were blessed with him as our father. We told him that a lot, but I wish he grasped it more, of how much of a positive impact he had on us. Of how loved he was.

Lessons OF LIFE Learned in His Absence

One Year.

One Year since Pops went up to a better place with no pain or worries.

I learned a lot of lessons from my father while he was still here. Some of my favorites shown by the gift I made for him for his Last Father’s Day:

But in the slightly over 365 days since my father passed, I’ve learned and realized more clearly many other lessons about life and the fragile nature of existence and this world. 

4 was his favorite number, in his footsteps it became mine. In hockey he often wore double 4’s, 44. In that here are the 44 lessons of life I have learned without you by my side Dad:

1. Life is short.
   • Everyone says this and it is cliché, until you experience loss firsthand, then you know how true it really is. We don’t have time to waste. Our most unforgiving flaw as humans is thinking we have time. Time to wait. Don’t wait to act, to do, to speak, to love. Because you never truly know when’s it’s time to leave this life.
2. Do not take connections for granted.
   • If your parents are older now and you live apart from them, how many more days do you think you truly have with them? If you’re older yourself, how many more times do you think you get to see your kids or grandkids? If you live close you are blessed. But say you or them realistically have 20 years and you see each other 5 times a year, you have 100 days of experiences left, that is it, take in each moment for what it is, special. Even more so, when we are young, we believe there will be many people who we connect with, whether platonically or romantically, and later in life you realize it only happens a few times. Do not take special connections for granted.
3. Learn to be vulnerable.
   • With life being short, do you really want to be on your last breaths or your loved ones on theirs and have words of compassion and actions of love left to be given? I highly doubt it, so be vulnerable and tell and show them the love you have for them, as much as you can. You won’t scare or annoy the ones that truly love you by showing them who you are, by being vulnerable with your feelings of kindness.
4. Embrace the unknown of people’s stories.
   • I hope sharing a piece of my dad’s story can help you understand him. But grasp that even so, there are parts of every single’s person story that you will never know. Recognize that those parts can deeply shape individuals. So never judge. Some souls suffer silently. Often the happiest in the room are battling the most, the one with the contagious boisterous laugh is the one that cries the hardest, the one that lives in their own head.
5. Have grace and understanding for one another.
   • Find grace within, continue to love, try to walk in another’s shoes because why live in anger when we were made to love. We always tend to look for the bad, for the negative in others around us. But death comes faster than we think, do not let the last words be of anything but grace and endearment. One deep talk, a heartfelt apology and time spent together can fix a lot of things, it can remind us of how special someone is to our life. But we as humans oftentimes let our pride and egos get in the way and put up walls between us. Tear down those walls and allow grace to conquer our hearts.
6. Who you were isn’t who you are, people can change and grow and be better.
   • Who you were in high school, college. 5 years ago, 1 year ago, 1 month ago, yesterday does not define who you are. Each day is a fresh slate to grow, to take small steps of success for a bigger purpose of transformation. Especially in your twenties, you learn to deal with a lot of things. Adulthood, Working, Moving out, loss. Our twenties have been proven to be the greatest time of growth, maturity, and when the capacity with which we think develops the most quickly. I have seen my father, my friends and family firsthand change drastically. Big events in people’s lives change you and give perspective to grow. I also know for me, how much I have changed and matured with death and loss and failures of life. Strive to see people for who they are now and recognize the work they have put in. 
7. To have loved and lost is better than never loving at all.
   • To have never loved is essentially to never emit love. To love, to love with all your heart is a gift. To say you have loved even if lost, is a blessing from God. Do not allow death, loss, sadness to make you go numb. Choose love and feel it in every moment. I’d rather lose the people I love a million times over if it meant I could love them just once more than to never love at all.
8. Spend time alone, introspection.
   • Spend time alone, like really spend time alone. Whether weeks, months, year, for a select period of time focus on yourself, if that means staying at home instead of going out with friends or staying out of a relationship. Learn about yourself. Your weaknesses, your triggers, your sadness, your traumas, what makes you happy, what is important. You learn so much more about yourself during these time periods. As a quiet mind learns better. A quiet mind observes better. A quiet mind acts better. Time alone allows for working through grief. Solitude truly is the greatest teacher of yourself. If we never allow ourselves solitude, it’s harder to learn and understand ourselves properly.
9. The world keeps spinning.
   • I have learned in grief that when someone passes, your full world stops. It screeches to a halt. Surprising to you, it seems everyone else’s keeps going, you learn that ultimately it does and all you have is yourself. Own that your world is slowed and grieve.
10. Every loss brings you closer to yourself.
    • Loss, it pushes you further towards your inner self. Further towards who God created you to be. It amplifies your heart, and the loss creates a perspective in you that looks at life on a broader scale.
11. Awareness of other people’s loss enhances connection.
    • Luckily up until this year in my life, I did not have much loss. Unfortunately, loss hit all at once. But because I never experienced loss for a long time, I did not fully take into account the loss of other people, and how they must feel. How meaningful it was for them when they felt those that passed away in a dream or in the song that came on the radio or in the butterfly that flies beside them. When you acknowledge the loss of others, when you take a second to feel their grief, their pain, the impact it may have on them, it allows you to love not only them but everyone more deeply and to connect further on an emotional level.
12. Cherish the people around you in tough times.
    • Sometimes the people you thought would be closest may not be there in your toughest times, and sometimes people you would never expect lend a hand out and are there for you. I noticed in going through grief, that I always hope to be the person you never expect to lend a hand but does then the other way around, and encourage you to do the same.
13. The person you want most isn’t there.
    • The irony of grief is that the person you need to talk to about how you feel is the person who is no longer there. The laugh, the conversation, it is what you crave but unfortunately is impossible to make happen. It hits randomly in waves that the person you want to talk to most cannot be reached. But you must learn that they have their hand on your shoulder and are encouraging you to keep going.
14. Always do good.
    • Holding the door, helping the elderly carry something to their car, giving directions, volunteering. What matters is the way you treat others. The good you do today might be forgotten tomorrow. But when it comes to the people that really matter, they will always remember you and the good you did. They will speak of your kindness and the way you went out of your way for them. Remembering the genuine in you.
15. Love doesn’t vanish, it doesn’t die.
    • Where does all the love go when you lose someone you love? You would think it goes away with the person that you love. It’s difficult to comprehend. But the answer is even when apart, even with the separation of life, love can never disappear it remains in the heart. Forever and always. Deep love doesn’t wither, even in death.
16. See something special? Make it known.
    • When you see something special in someone tell them. It may take seconds to say, you may think it’s inconsequential, but it may last a lifetime in another’s mind. They may replay that days or weeks later in their head when they need a positive thought.
17. Today is here, tomorrow isn’t promised.
    • This is a big one, with 6 funerals and even more loss in the last year, I clearly grasp now that today is all we have. We are given today, we are not promised to wake up tomorrow, make your life clear, go overboard. Do not reserve your love or passion or excitement for tomorrow, it may not come.
18. At your lowest you realize what matters.
    • At your lowest you realize a lot, who’s there in spirit and action, what matters day to day to survive, what you crave in life long-term avoiding short term satisfaction. All the superficial things, money, attention, partying, etc. don’t matter. At your lowest, you realize you don’t want to do things to fit in, you want to be authentic. You want to stand out, to be unique. To be yourself and to love and be loved as yourself. To be around those that encourage it.
19. Self-love, love your self.
    • Forgive your younger self. Believe in your current self, create your future self. You only knew and acted as well as you knew at the time. Whether from childhood, experience, lack of knowledge, misguided emotions or thoughts, or lack of maturity you did your best. Most likely you did it wrong. Most likely you have regrets. My dad struggled a lot with self-love and regret. As maybe some of you do, I struggle with it as well. What’s most important is learning to acquire knowledge, outgrowing past troubles, and managing your emotions to be your best and to love you now. To be the best you, you must learn to love yourself otherwise you will never love others correctly. Otherwise, you will always hold a negative image of yourself.
20. Smile, everyone deserves compassion.
    • Be nice and smile to everyone. You don’t know what anyone is going through. You never know who might need that smile, who might need that brief word of encouragement, who might need that hug just to keep going. Make your smile contagious to bring happiness to the world. Be compassionate to everyone, especially those who are unkind, they are the ones who need it the most. Some may hate you, some may be jealous, some may hold anger. My grandma taught me that you never know what someone had went through and to be kind. It may be the only kindness they receive, maybe just maybe you can make a difference. Beat darkness with kindness.
21. Be humble on the outside, confident on the inside
    • This one I got from my father, but it is one of the most important ones I’ve learned in life. Be confident, if you’ve put in the work then exude confidence in your abilities within. But when it comes to performance, be humble, lead by example, never cocky only focused. There’s a certain admiration for someone who outperforms others but stays as collected and cool headed with win or loss. Who does not look down on their peers, but instead encourages them to rise themselves.  
22. That person is on your mind for a reason.
    • If someone crosses your mind, if you see something in your day-to-day life that reminds you of someone special in your life; then send a text, call, stop by to see them, check on them. God put them on your mind for a reason, to make their day a bit better. 
23. We are imperfect perfect people.
    • None of us are perfect, we all come with baggage, with imperfections, with aspects we wish to change, pasts we wish to forget. But you’re forgiven as long as you repent and grow, you will never be perfect here but you can improve every day in pursuit of getting as close as possible.
24. The best gifts are the ones that you create yourself.
    • Gifts are memorable, they show how deeply you think of someone. But handmade gifts, handwritten letters are more meaningful. They show the other person took the time to create something special specifically for you. For me, giving and getting unique gifts like that are one of the greatest expressions of love and care. As I look around at gifts that I have gotten over the years, those have always been the ones I cherish most. I look at artwork I have received from someone special to me, a note from my mom, a sticker filled letter from my Grams, the handwritten cards and notes from my father and his chicken scratch handwriting, which not only makes it hard to try to read, but it brings me back to moments and times and makes it more authentic.
25. Acquire humility, and compassion.
    • What’s the point of living a life without compassion? To be cold, to hold back your heart. What’s the point of being cocky or thinking you’re better than others? To feel better about yourself. A limited happiness comes out of these attributes and you’ll never be happy. God wants us to put others first, to be modest in how we act and live. To be better than you were the day before and show warmth to others. 
26. Read to acquire knowledge.
    • This is one that I have taken up drastically since I lost my dad and those I love. Reading. One of the greatest gifts to give or receive is a book, as it is the gift of knowledge. I never could get into reading for leisure after school, but I started with a book called Greenlights and bought myself a Bible. It has led to a love for reading, for learning. 20 books read later in 2023, the wisdom I have come to acquire through reading is something I can’t express enough. Different perspectives on life is the ultimate teacher.
27. Hold yourself accountable.
    • See one’s own flaws and be accountable for them. Everyone can judge someone else’s flaws and their actions or behaviors but not often can we sit with ourselves and ask what we could improve, what triggers could we handle better, what negative energy are we bringing to your life or others or to a situation. Myself included and this year has been a big year of accountability for me. Holding myself to negatives I have brought into the world. Trying to be a better me in the process.
28. Life is more so about one’s heart and soul than their outwards appearance.
    • Outward beauty is appealing, it is what the media and pop culture speak on. It is important, but if it is all you rely on, it can often times lead to emptiness. Inward beauty I’ve learned is what is important in this life. How kind and teachable is one’s heart. How loving and unique is their soul. That what makes friendship thrive, what makes romance special.
29. “Faith without works is dead”
    • One who has faith but does no good deeds is useless. A believer without the desire to accomplish good is inadequate. You must not only claim to have faith in Christ but fight to show it through change and good works. To want to help others. Ultimately, the life we live here is only preparing us for up above. Through good deeds we show our faith. 
30. The people we love most might not be in our life.
    • Sometimes whether through timing or circumstances or separation or hurt or loss you don’t get the people you love most in your life. Whether for a season, a few seasons or a lifetime. It’s one of the saddest aspects of life, but you must remember the beauty in the moments shared with them. Support other’s happiness no matter what. Root for them no matter what. Pray for their happiness and peace. Hold the love you have for them in case circumstances change, in case reconciliation is ever offered. But if not at least in your heart you know you wished nothing but happiness for them. That’s good for the soul, for when we meet them up above. As holding another in your prayers is the deepest form of love.
31. Everyday is a new chance to be better than you were.
    • Every day you wake up is a fresh slate. One quote I like is “one day or day one”. We often tell ourselves one day we will do this, one day we will start something new, one day we will change, until one day never happens. While if you look as each day as day one of putting into motion the life and person you want to be you will do so with each time you wake up, with each day one. 
32. Mental health doesn’t discriminate.
    • You can be a person with faith and still struggle with mental health. You can be the strongest person there is and still have inner battles you struggle to handle. You could have the most positive outlook on life and still have moments you feel on the edge of this life. Don’t let the demons win, especially as men we fight so much of our battles within. Mental health does not care who you are, it will break you down piece by piece. Hold strong and surround yourself with the resources to help you keep going.
33. Grief mirrors love and has no timeline.
    • Grief is always nearby. Behind laughter and smiles, there will always be a hidden sense of sadness that I will live with. In every phrase that strikes a moment shared with a loved one, in every interest I do that used to be a shared one, in every place memories were made. That is grief. A powerful thing. Grief mirrors love in its vastness, in its depth. This being said, grief knows no deadline, no ending. Grief may last a day, a year, a lifetime. The deeper you loved the deeper the grief that we endure. 
34. Life is right in front of you.
    • The people that love us, the things we love, the world around us. It’s right in front of our faces, we just have to open up our eyes. We overlook abundance already within our lives, the beauty in the making that surrounds us every day. We do not see the good things in front of us because of the fragile nature of this life. I know I have lived with my eyes closed. Open your eyes, this past year has definitely finally opened mine in a multitude of ways.
35. Death changes who you are.
    • Loss changes your word. In this world there are losses that change the world around you, deaths that change the way you see everything in this life, grief that tears everything down to rebuild. I have learned that there is no deeper feeling than loss, lean into it and help it make you better. Time passes, and the day my father died is not a date on the calendar, it was the day when my very existence and purpose changed. The way I want to live, the day everything was magnified. The day the way I carry myself, as the only son, is intensified as I now carry the family name of Emerich.
36. Live. Live. Live.
    • The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experiences and moments to the utmost, to reach out eagerly with passion and grab life. To live each moment as if it is your last. Life is too short to be scared of being human. Sing that song, show off your mediocre dance moves, confess your love.
37. Therapy is way more valuable than made out to be.
    • There’s a stereotype especially for men that’s doing therapy is weak or you’re looked at differently for not just “toughing it out like a man”. But the reality is a lot of men don’t have anyone to talk to about their self-doubt, fears, loss, their past. We handle our battles alone on the inside, often since we were little. Therapy can help you not only understand your thoughts and feelings but allow the opportunity to vocalize them and develop healthier ways of coping with them. For me, I am open in the fact that therapy has helped me discover a lot about myself that I had kept bottled up inside. Aspects that had subconsciously negatively affected how I lived my life and who I was. It has allowed me to work on better ways to handle my thoughts and insecurities, and allowed me to be a more authentic me.
38. Faith means through good and bad.
    • Faith doesn’t mean nothing but good things happen. Holding faith means fighting through the bad to see the good. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns, whether with God, with a job, with a relationship. Remind yourself while God promised us eternal life if we believe, He didn’t promise a life without struggles or battles to face.
39. All that you need to fulfill your purpose God has already put inside of you.
    • God answers our prayers. A favorite saying of mine about God is we pray to God for strength and God gives us difficulties to make us strong. We pray for wisdom and God gives us problems to solve. We pray for courage and God gives us obstacles to overcome. We pray for love and God gives us troubled people to help. When God created you, He gave you every instrument you would ever need. It takes years, experiences, failures to learn how those tools are to be used. How those attributes are meant to shine bright. All the tools though are within you, for you to become the person God created you. It is within you, don’t give up.
40. Say it, then say it again, and then say it one more time.
    • You know what we regret more than saying something, is the things we don’t say. The compliments we didn’t give, the letters we didn’t write, the words of affirmation we didn’t say. Things left unsaid stay with us forever and to hold onto those things for a lifetime can destroy you. A lot of things I held onto eat at me. The hugs not given, the moments I didn’t stay a little longer with who I love. A lot of things I wish I could have told my dad. So tell those around you how you care, how you love them. Then say it again just to be sure. Then when you believe you’ve said it enough tell them one more time. 
41. Absence can be ran from, but that will not fill the hole.
    • Distraction, running, isolating. You can decorate absence however you want but you’re still going to feel what’s missing when you love someone, I mean truly love someone. Whether a parent, a sibling, grandparent, a spouse, a girlfriend, when they’re not there you can try anything you want to hide the absence but inside you know that there’s something missing. No matter time or distance, that special love you know you felt is missing. You can not replace it. That hole in your heart can’t be filled. That’s loss. 
42. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we are still alive.
    • One of the biggest tragedies in this life is not death, as unfortunately we all know it will be our time one day. I’ve learned with the help of my dad and his loss of movement and overcoming the mental hurdles he endured, that one of the biggest tragedies is in fact what dies inside us while we are still alive. As a kid we have all these big dreams and aspirations, but as we get older, we lose that kid. We lose our goals, our dream jobs, our spontaneous nature, our excitement for life, our innocence of seeing the good in others and in circumstances and in love, we lose the use of of our bodies, some lose the use of their minds, we lose our time. Many of us end up feeling like we’re boxed into a life. A job we don’t like, a life without laughter, a journey without travel and adventure, a body that is broken down. The truth is yes, parts of us might not work the same. Yes, some things may happen in our life that change us. Yes, some things may be unattainable. But the key is learning to make the most out of the parts you do have, to push the limits in all aspects of your life, to still reach for the stars. To keep going. To try. You must make the most out of every moment, every chance to improve, every opportunity to feel alive. Parts of us will die but you must overcome that by living with the excitement of the little kid inside you. Be around those who brings out that inner child within you. It’s a blessing to be here and every single day we wake up is a miracle. I challenge you to live with a love for life no matter what you’re going through because whether you know it or not, you give others hope to do the same when you do. 
43. Time and love are the most valuable gifts on this ball of rock.
    • A lot of things matter very little. The newest cars, the nicest watches, the best technology, things that consume our lives. Material things that ultimately don’t affect the outcome or happiness in our life. You know what matters: family, friends, health, experiences. One day when it’s our time to go, no one will remember or care what you drove, how big your house was, how “popular” you were. One day all you will have left is the time you shared and the love you gave. To give another your time and love is something special, to show another soul that you value their presence and existence. To make memories with another. My name may be forgotten one day, but I know I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul and that is something that is everlasting. Something that is indescribable except with the one with who the love was shared. Only one thing in this world can make a soul complete, and that thing is love. One quote that has stuck with me is “Society grows great when old men plant trees the shade of which they know they will never sit in”. Love is how you stay alive after you are gone from this world. Love is the one thing we are capable of that transcends time and space. The love you give is how you live on, how you leave a legacy. Love defines our story beyond our life.
44. Put God first
    • Put God before anything and anyone else. This is what I have found to be the most important lesson I’ve learned in my life. Make God the priority in your life, and pass it down to generations so that they keep the faith and become closer to Him and do not drift from generation to generation. People talk about breaking generational curses and traumas. What about starting new spiritual shifts. As with God nothing is impossible. Transformation, reunion, grace, love. Keep the faith, give Him your burdens and know He guides your path. Put God first, make him apart of your family’s life and allow them to pass it down. Start a generational blessing.

To all who read, I appreciate you taking the time to learn not only about my father, but about his life, and the hole left in his absence. If I can inspire you to do one thing, I hope it is take more pictures, get your loved ones smiling, to make them laugh. To create special moments in time. The picture below is the last picture I got of my dad a few months before he passed. It makes me sad but at the same time makes me happy.

It is my favorite picture, because it was at a moment I was being my goofy self to get a rise out of him, and I caught his half smirk and eyes opening wide just as I did. As our parents age, and things change, little mannerisms always stay the same. This was one of my favorite mannerisms of my dad’s.

This marks the end of hopefully the first of many as we continue in the personal eternal pursuit of wisdom we live here on Earth. God Bless You All.

I leave you with a verse that was meaningful during the last few months of Pop’s life:

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my Word and believes Him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgement, but has passed from death to life” – John 5:24

Rest in Peace Dad.